I’m not easily intimidated, but I do get a little shudder whenever I open a package and see two words staring up at me—Owner’s Manual. Whenever I buy a camera, a car, a computer, or any other device that comes with buttons and switches, I’m tempted to just begin using the thing. It may take some trial and error, but I can usually figure it out.

Sometimes we discover that the device itself is easier to figure out than the accompanying instructions. The user’s guide is usually about as understandable as a Latin parchment. Come to think of it, large sections do seem to be written in Latin, along with English, French, Spanish, Korean, Japanese, Chinese, Arabic, and Mapudungun. I usually go for the English page, but I’m sometimes lost after the first sentence. Plug inset A into the red circuit, push button B until the screen advances, then reset dial F into the nonfusure mode. Make sure battery is fully charged before removing inset B from the blue circuit.

Perhaps as a reaction to user complaints, some companies no longer use words with their instruction manuals. They draw diagrams and pictures, and maybe this would be helpful if someone would explain the diagrams. It’s like looking at a very nice set of maps of an unknown area with nameless roads all heading nowhere. We might as well be studying a spider’s web.

Still, we keep thumbing through those manuals looking for some little hint or trying to figure out where the power button is located; and the manufacturers usually oblige us sooner or later. Sometimes the instructions are hilarious. Last Christmas, a box of Christmas lights warned: “For outdoor and indoor use only.” One particular appliance manufacturer included this helpful hint in their owner’s guide: “Do not allow children to play in dishwasher.” A popular toaster came with this instruction: “Do not use underwater.” And if you’ve recently purchased a Husquavarna chain saw, you might have read this warning in the manual: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.”

An Owner’s Guide for Marriage

If your spouse came with an owner’s manual, what helpful bits of information would you like to know? If we had a user’s guide to marriage, what should it include? We can barely understand ourselves. It’s daunting to think of trying to figure out another human being and to master the intricate circuitry involved in a romantic lifelong relationship of love, marriage, and sex. We spend many years in school learning to be proficient for a job or career. We study the instructional books to get our driver’s license. We take the required courses to be approved in areas requiring professional skills. But where do we study marriage? What guidebook can show us how to be blue-ribbon husbands and award-winning wives?

There’s only one place, and that’s the Bible. There are some wonderful sections of the Bible devoted exclusively to telling us about marriage (such as Song of Solomon and the last half of Ephesians 5). But here’s the real key to understanding the biblical approach to wedded bliss. The entire book—cover to cover—is applicable to the home. It aims at making you a better husband or wife. If we can mature as a Christian, we’ll be a more mature spouse and parent. If we can grow in the fruit of the Spirit, we’ll bring more love, joy, peace, and patience into our home. Even the passages that aren’t specifically about marriage hold great implications for home life.

Try this experiment. Find your favorite passages and try adding these words: “In marriage…”

In marriage, let no corrupt word proceed from your mouth, but only what is necessary for edification that it might impart grace to the hearers (Ephesians 4:29).

In marriage, hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins (Proverbs 10:12).

In marriage, do all things without complaining and disputing” (Philippians 2:14).

In marriage, pray without ceasing, be joyful always, and give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you (1 Thessalonians 5:15-17).

In marriage, let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord (Romans 12:9-11).

Same Manual, Different Models

The Bible’s advice works for both models of human—male and female. When God created us in Genesis 1 and 2, He first made the male version—Human 1.0—and He brought all the animals to Adam for him to enjoy and name. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him. So the Lord caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and when Adam woke up he discovered his better half—Human 2.0.

“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh,” cried Adam, seeing Eve for the first time. He was overjoyed! And in Genesis 2:24, God performed the first wedding in history saying, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” This was obviously intended as a pattern for future generations, since Adam himself had no parents to leave. Genesis 2:24 thus represents the original biblical definition of marriage—a man leaving his home to be joined in a committed relationship to a wife with whom he will be as one.

There were obvious differences between Adam and Eve, all the more obvious because “they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). God created them to harmonize with each other with sophisticated corresponding operating systems. But the differences aren’t just physical. We also have sophisticated corresponding operating systems on emotional and psychological levels.

Women need affection and tenderness, and men need affirmation and respect.  This is why in Ephesians 5, Paul told husbands to love their wives, and wives to respect their husbands. Verse 33 puts it succinctly: “Let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”       

Everyone needs love and everyone needs respect. But in a marriage, a woman has an incredible need for tender affection, and a man has an outsized need for his wife’s esteem and respect. This works best when it works over time. A marriage may have its ups and downs; but when two people are committed to staying committed—both to God and each other—marriage becomes a lifetime of learning and loving.

Here’s the bottom line: If you’ll be who God wants you to be, you’ll be who your husband or wife needs you to be. And when that happens, your marriage can recover from its stresses, grow through the passing seasons of life, and finish with a heavenly flourish.

For many years, Bert Tippett served the Lord on the staff of Free Will Baptist Bible College in Nashville. When he learned he was suffering from terminal cancer, he faced the challenge in faith and jotted down some of his thoughts for the college alumni magazine. He spoke with tender affection for his wife Diane, acknowledging that his diagnosis was harder on her than on him. “We do everything together,” said Bert. “When she shops, I take a book. At each store, we part at the door, and I head for the shoe department. While she shops, I sit and read. When she is ready to go, she knows where to find me.”

Then he added, “I recently told her that I fully expect to be waiting for her at the gate of Heaven. But the crowd welcoming her may be large and we may somehow miss each other. ‘In case you don’t see me,’ I said, ‘ask where the shoe department is.’ When she finds me, we’ll go home together.”¹

You’re probably more complicated than you realize, and your spouse is also complete with sophisticated operating systems. He or she didn’t hand you an operator’s guide at the altar, but we do have a Guidebook that will provide a lifetime of love.

Follow the instructions—and don’t forget to meet in the shoe department.